Me and the Moon

I'm waiting. I'm waiting for that red light to turn green so I can make that left turn and change everything in my life.  I don't know why i just wrote that, but thats the feeling I had on my drive home when I was at the stoplight at Nordhoff and Topanga.

I was told tonight that I am playing the tragic hero...I have no just and worthy cause that I am sacrificing myself for so I don't see how the title fits.  How can you be a tragic hero with nothing worth fighting for...I do not criticize the person who said it seeing as how they are the only ones who read this thing but I do not fully understand.

I'm a pathetic mess really I am. I tried crying it out on the way home to get it out of my system but I couldn't even cry. It's sad really this feeling that I've become such good friends with over the years. It's name is Numb. I can't express the feelings that hurt me anymore not even to my friends. My family doesn't care so much, I realize they just criticize them. If I say I'm in a fight with friends or I've been hurt by them, even if it concerns boys they don't understand and I think now that I was using my friends as an outlet or surrogate family because I couldn't express these social feelings to my family, they just don't get it and don't wanna be bothered with it. I'm an over-emotional person who has bottled things up for so long that anytime they come out they seem like either agressive attacks or cause me to retreat into myself and push everyone away.  I choose to retreat rather than let them manifest into agressive attacks because the last time that happend I lost a family.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Granted I've been stuck for two years now. I keep looking for a defining moment but there is none. I'm that little green turn arrow anxiously awaiting for everything to get better. That red light represents all those things I can't deal with.

Nobody gets this feeling. It feels like my skins crawling and I just wanna shout at everyone. I wanna punch something, I want to feel it hurt. I want to cry. I want cry hard. Then I wanna scream and punch something again and then I just wanna curl up into someones arms while they tell me that everything will be alright and I wanna be able to believe them.

I don't trust anyone anymore though. I realized that today, that I don't trust anyone except for my dad and my sister but they're not much help.

I don't want new friends. I want old ones back. I don't wanna grovel for forgiveness cause I still didn't do anything wrong. I don't wanna fake it but I would work to get it back. 

I'd rather be completely alone than pretending like everythings fine. I have no business being here on this earth I never really did. I've felt like that since I was little, when I used to get upset. This is not where I'm spose to be. I'm not part of here. I don't know where I'm from I just always get that feeling like I'm watching, I don't belong here and I'm watching it all. I wanna go home, wherever the hell that is.

Help.