6:45

I do not know what to write, therefore I have not written. I don't suspect anyone reads this, nor are there notifications to alert them to the paragraphs my fingertips type into this box. I have so much to say and no way to really coherently write it down. Therefore I do not write. I want to, but it's like a mental block preventing me from putting it on paper...or computer I guess. It's about 6:45 pm on a saturday I'm in my room, lights off, fan whirring around adding some sound along to the tap tap of my keys. The light is from the sun slowly setting outside casting a twilight haze around my room. I wonder if Owl City would describe it as "vanilla twilight" because it's the lighter side of the color.
Sometimes I wonder if I've got problems. Mentally that is. Like am I bi-polar or just moody. I wonder "When did I become so mean?" and "When did I lose the skill of making friends" It's funny cause at this point I can probably count on one hand how many close friends I have. I flip out for no reason sometimes and I think it's just because I...feel...unimportant..I guess. I feel somewhat useless sometimes. It makes me wonder do all people feel this way? I know I feel too much which is why my relationships fail both romantic and social. I keep having to check myself and that's why I shut myself away from everyone. It hurts but I know if I put myself in a certain situation it's gonna hurt more. I just realized that most (if they ever come across this) won't quite understand nor will this make sense. It's really not supposed to it's just suppose to be my ramblings and me finally getting things out and trying to make myself feel better.
Another thing thats been on my mind alot. Relationships. How do they work? Cause I have never had a functioning, productive relationship. I guess in the romantic sense is what I'm talking about. I want one I really do and I've been waiting so damn long. I feel like I've gone through enough broken and hurt that I deserve the happy and fun and just "feel good" relationship. I don't wanna play games, and I don't want to dance around I just want to be. I want to be able to curl up on a couch put on a dvd and fall asleep with someone. I want to spontaneously get in a car and take a roadtrip just for the hell of it. I want someone who will always be there and not lie or cheat.
I feel so silly writing this, but I think I need to.
I have to go think for a bit now...