So I've been thinking about a few things over the past two days (since about friday after a very uncomfortable ride back to my car from seeing 9) and what I've concluded is that for the past 4-5 years of my life I don't think I've once focused on Me. I focus on everyone else around me what they're doing, who they're with, where they're going. It's like It reminds me of when I was little and (granted this analogy will suck) but it reminds me of when I was little and I had a bunch of kittens and I was trying to watch over them and keep them in the same spot but they each had their own direction and kept wandering every which way. I feel like I'm trying to keep the people in my life from going in different directions and I have majorly unsuccessful. It's to the point where I feel like I'm sacraficing my sanity. I, by nature, am a very caring and emotional person. I always have been, and I think a part of me always will. Recently I've noticed that I don't care so much as get jealous. I realize that I havn't been "caring" I've been more "acting like a spoiled brat" and driving people away from me by finding reasons to be mad at them...which must be some leftover childhood issues that never got dealt with, plus the fact that I feel like everyone has changed except for me. Which leads me to my topic of Me.
Call me self-centered, call me selfish, these are just realizations that I have made. But I look back at many of the decisions I have made over the past year and a half and see that everything I did was for other people. When did I last do something on my own, on my own time, not centered around my friends.....ummmm how bout last night and just today. I took my sister out for dinner last night, and I went shopping for jeans for work. Those may sound like common things that anyone does any day of the week but it was saturday and sunday. Normally I'm desperately searching for someone to chill with so I can get out of the house (which I have realized requires a hell of a lot of energy, not to mention a lot of mental planning on my behalf)
So I will say it now that I think I really need to focus on myself for a while, no distractions! I plan on making my focuses SCHOOL, work, family, me. I need to forget the social world around me, discover new things on my own. If theres one thing I have learned from this past year and half its that all you really have to count on is yourself, you and you alone. Sure you have your family and they will always be there but out in the real world it's you. You take care of you. I don't know...I just know that despite the fact there are people who say they're there for me I feel like all I have is myself. Part of that may be because I'm at Pierce( which I admit I'm actually pretty glad I'm going there right now) I don't know. I'm still all jumbled up.
To free myself a bit from all this mess I did delete my facebook and my myspace, which funny enough couldn't have happend at a more perfect time cause I found this kid I met over the summer finally on there through sheer luck of being invited to the same event as him. Turns out I was spelling his last name wrong and that's why I could never find him. Whatever, I screwed that up way before too, haha, I can't believe I actually texted him using his number that I got from a friend can we say Pa-Thetic. Yes. Yes you can. Sadly I havn't felt such a rush from someone in so long but I'm forgetting it because at this point I don't see it happening, probably more on his behalf then mine. Though I would probably not be a fun person to be with right now either. It's all good though cause I deleted his number from my phone and I didn't write it down so no temptation.
Oh, I did get asked if I was okay tonite, by a close friend of mine. Only one that noticed, probably because of my turn down of boondock saints. But it was for a good couple of reasons 1)I'm out of gas and did not wanna drive up to Northridge 2) I was watching the VMA's 3) I really don't feel like being around anyone right now. It's funny I havn't even heard from my best friend, she probably thinks I deleted her off facebook, just like a few of my other friends, they probably think I'm mad at them for some obscene reason and have yet to realize I deleted it totally. That's what happens when you cry wolf way too many times, they just don't even make the effort. It's cool though because I need the time alone. I feel like a work in progress.
I have been reading alot lately, nothing really of significance, just Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter by Laurell K. Hamilton and I just now picked up Somebody to Love by Grace Slick the lead singer of Jefferson Airplane. I still have to finish Middlesex as well. I have a few musical recommendations as well, theres a lot of new/old stuff that I've discovered.
I think I'll say goodnight for real now and I'll hopefully be back tomorrow if I have the time. I wish I had wireless so I could log on whenever I like but that is a minor problem.
I leave you with the lyrics of Stay With Me by Colbie Caillat
It relates pretty well to my desire to just keep people around, it's all I really want, for people to just stay for once. I can dream though.
We simply fit together like a piece of apple pie,
I will be vanilla ice cream and I'll sing you lullabies,
I will love you in the moonlight and I'll love you in the day, always.
I love the time we spend, like a watch from an old friend,
I will help you keep your smile, promise me you'll stay a while,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can.
Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.
We always joke together after we're rolling on the floor.
I like the way you dance around when you're running for the door.
I will come to visit you even when we're old and gray, always.
I love the way you make me feel, when you're asleep I'll take the wheel,
Make sure to call when you get home, when you're driving on the road.
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can, so..
Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
Always,
So stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time
-Stay With Me by: Colbie Caillat
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