I'm waiting. I'm waiting for that red light to turn green so I can make that left turn and change everything in my life. I don't know why i just wrote that, but thats the feeling I had on my drive home when I was at the stoplight at Nordhoff and Topanga.
I was told tonight that I am playing the tragic hero...I have no just and worthy cause that I am sacrificing myself for so I don't see how the title fits. How can you be a tragic hero with nothing worth fighting for...I do not criticize the person who said it seeing as how they are the only ones who read this thing but I do not fully understand.
I'm a pathetic mess really I am. I tried crying it out on the way home to get it out of my system but I couldn't even cry. It's sad really this feeling that I've become such good friends with over the years. It's name is Numb. I can't express the feelings that hurt me anymore not even to my friends. My family doesn't care so much, I realize they just criticize them. If I say I'm in a fight with friends or I've been hurt by them, even if it concerns boys they don't understand and I think now that I was using my friends as an outlet or surrogate family because I couldn't express these social feelings to my family, they just don't get it and don't wanna be bothered with it. I'm an over-emotional person who has bottled things up for so long that anytime they come out they seem like either agressive attacks or cause me to retreat into myself and push everyone away. I choose to retreat rather than let them manifest into agressive attacks because the last time that happend I lost a family.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Granted I've been stuck for two years now. I keep looking for a defining moment but there is none. I'm that little green turn arrow anxiously awaiting for everything to get better. That red light represents all those things I can't deal with.
Nobody gets this feeling. It feels like my skins crawling and I just wanna shout at everyone. I wanna punch something, I want to feel it hurt. I want to cry. I want cry hard. Then I wanna scream and punch something again and then I just wanna curl up into someones arms while they tell me that everything will be alright and I wanna be able to believe them.
I don't trust anyone anymore though. I realized that today, that I don't trust anyone except for my dad and my sister but they're not much help.
I don't want new friends. I want old ones back. I don't wanna grovel for forgiveness cause I still didn't do anything wrong. I don't wanna fake it but I would work to get it back.
I'd rather be completely alone than pretending like everythings fine. I have no business being here on this earth I never really did. I've felt like that since I was little, when I used to get upset. This is not where I'm spose to be. I'm not part of here. I don't know where I'm from I just always get that feeling like I'm watching, I don't belong here and I'm watching it all. I wanna go home, wherever the hell that is.
Help.
9.27.2009
9.14.2009
Not Much Left To Be Desired...
So. Today was interesting to say the least and the most. Not much really to report about moi, except I got two new pairs of Kick Ass Boots and a beatiful new hobo bag...now I need an occasion to get out and dress up. I don't see that opprotunity presenting itself anytime soon. I had work, long day, but lucky me Sam got her hours confused and ended up closing with me so I wasn't alone. For those of you who happen to stumble upon this and don't know I work at a library as a messenger clerk and closing from 4-8 is the worst shift to be alone on, lucky me I was not alone. I ended up stumbling over my words when asking a question to one of my co-workers *(which now I think he may think I was trying to flirt..unsuccessfully, but that was not the case. Not to say that the co-worker in question is not a good looking person, cause they are but it's a harmless crush. It doesn't help that anytime you talk to them you can't understand a single word they say and all they do is mutter. Oh well.)
I do have to talk about this one patron though who keeps showing up and then I will go into my Kanye West/ Taylor Swift discussion. Okay so there is this male patron who I've notice come in every couple of days. I swear to god he is the exact description of a fairytale prince. I honestly just want him to sweep me off my feet and carry me to his white horse where we will ride off into the sunset and live in a beatiful castle blah blah blah etc. He is gorgeous though and if you read almost any princely description in any generic fairytale or even look up the definition of prince he's right there. He's got this sandy brown/blonde hair in the floppy/wavy princely fashion, he's tall, clear eyes, tan skin. Mmmmm he's just dreamy. I have yet to figure out his name but I will call him...[insert princely name here] and when I'm at work I will daydream of our many adventures...maybe involving me being the 21 year old mistress to his 40 year old married self.
Now as for Kanye West. I watched him tonight on the Jay Leno show where he was scheduled to perform with Rihanna and Jay-Z (currently listening to the song) and he actually came out to talk to Jay about the whole situation. It was an act of humility for him, but at the same time, I have a feeling that he will not be living this event down for awhile (which I assume everyone knows he stole Taylor Swift's spotlight on her Best Female Pop Video win). He talked to Jay about how sorry he was and that he didn't mean to ruin her moment but he didn't realize what he was doing at the moment. Surprise Surprise, I found out earlier today that he had been drinking and well we all know that booze can make you do stupid shit. However, that is no excuse for ruining a young girls first VMA award. I do have to give props to Beyonce for being a class act and giving her acceptance speech time to Taylor so she could have her moment. As for Kanye, I think he's got a lot he's been repressing, especially since the death of his mother, and now that this has happend I think he realizes he needs to take a step back and deal with a few things. They guy has always had an ego, but he's got a little bit of depth to him, if he didn't he wouldn't still be around.
MUSIC: EVERYONE GO BUY A FINE FRENZY'S BOMB IN A BIRDCAGE ALBUM! A Fine Frenzy is one of the most creative bands out there right now. The lead singer's voice is beautiful. The lyrics are unique and the music is perfect for just a mellow everyday soudntrack to your life.
I am super stoked for MUSE's new album which is dropping tomorrow. Uprising has got to be one of the best songs on the radio currently (yes I still listen to the radio, seeing as how it is the only soundsystem I have in my car)
I also have to say that OWL CITY is another band/singer that is really relaxing. Think DEATHCAB FOR CUTIE and POSTAL SERVICE blended into an atmospheric dessert!
Well I will say goodnight now at about 11:30 seeing as how tomorrow will be a rediculously long day. I have class at 7am and then work from 10-2 and then class again at 7pm.
I think I will start making this my end of blog tradition...lyrics from an artist that I just find special for one reason or another. As I mentioned earlier OWL CITY is an amazing band and here is there song Vanilla Twilight which I highly reccomend!
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight
When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here
-Vanilla Twilight by: Owl City
I do have to talk about this one patron though who keeps showing up and then I will go into my Kanye West/ Taylor Swift discussion. Okay so there is this male patron who I've notice come in every couple of days. I swear to god he is the exact description of a fairytale prince. I honestly just want him to sweep me off my feet and carry me to his white horse where we will ride off into the sunset and live in a beatiful castle blah blah blah etc. He is gorgeous though and if you read almost any princely description in any generic fairytale or even look up the definition of prince he's right there. He's got this sandy brown/blonde hair in the floppy/wavy princely fashion, he's tall, clear eyes, tan skin. Mmmmm he's just dreamy. I have yet to figure out his name but I will call him...[insert princely name here] and when I'm at work I will daydream of our many adventures...maybe involving me being the 21 year old mistress to his 40 year old married self.
Now as for Kanye West. I watched him tonight on the Jay Leno show where he was scheduled to perform with Rihanna and Jay-Z (currently listening to the song) and he actually came out to talk to Jay about the whole situation. It was an act of humility for him, but at the same time, I have a feeling that he will not be living this event down for awhile (which I assume everyone knows he stole Taylor Swift's spotlight on her Best Female Pop Video win). He talked to Jay about how sorry he was and that he didn't mean to ruin her moment but he didn't realize what he was doing at the moment. Surprise Surprise, I found out earlier today that he had been drinking and well we all know that booze can make you do stupid shit. However, that is no excuse for ruining a young girls first VMA award. I do have to give props to Beyonce for being a class act and giving her acceptance speech time to Taylor so she could have her moment. As for Kanye, I think he's got a lot he's been repressing, especially since the death of his mother, and now that this has happend I think he realizes he needs to take a step back and deal with a few things. They guy has always had an ego, but he's got a little bit of depth to him, if he didn't he wouldn't still be around.
MUSIC: EVERYONE GO BUY A FINE FRENZY'S BOMB IN A BIRDCAGE ALBUM! A Fine Frenzy is one of the most creative bands out there right now. The lead singer's voice is beautiful. The lyrics are unique and the music is perfect for just a mellow everyday soudntrack to your life.
I am super stoked for MUSE's new album which is dropping tomorrow. Uprising has got to be one of the best songs on the radio currently (yes I still listen to the radio, seeing as how it is the only soundsystem I have in my car)
I also have to say that OWL CITY is another band/singer that is really relaxing. Think DEATHCAB FOR CUTIE and POSTAL SERVICE blended into an atmospheric dessert!
Well I will say goodnight now at about 11:30 seeing as how tomorrow will be a rediculously long day. I have class at 7am and then work from 10-2 and then class again at 7pm.
I think I will start making this my end of blog tradition...lyrics from an artist that I just find special for one reason or another. As I mentioned earlier OWL CITY is an amazing band and here is there song Vanilla Twilight which I highly reccomend!
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight
When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here
-Vanilla Twilight by: Owl City
Me: A Work In Progress
So I've been thinking about a few things over the past two days (since about friday after a very uncomfortable ride back to my car from seeing 9) and what I've concluded is that for the past 4-5 years of my life I don't think I've once focused on Me. I focus on everyone else around me what they're doing, who they're with, where they're going. It's like It reminds me of when I was little and (granted this analogy will suck) but it reminds me of when I was little and I had a bunch of kittens and I was trying to watch over them and keep them in the same spot but they each had their own direction and kept wandering every which way. I feel like I'm trying to keep the people in my life from going in different directions and I have majorly unsuccessful. It's to the point where I feel like I'm sacraficing my sanity. I, by nature, am a very caring and emotional person. I always have been, and I think a part of me always will. Recently I've noticed that I don't care so much as get jealous. I realize that I havn't been "caring" I've been more "acting like a spoiled brat" and driving people away from me by finding reasons to be mad at them...which must be some leftover childhood issues that never got dealt with, plus the fact that I feel like everyone has changed except for me. Which leads me to my topic of Me.
Call me self-centered, call me selfish, these are just realizations that I have made. But I look back at many of the decisions I have made over the past year and a half and see that everything I did was for other people. When did I last do something on my own, on my own time, not centered around my friends.....ummmm how bout last night and just today. I took my sister out for dinner last night, and I went shopping for jeans for work. Those may sound like common things that anyone does any day of the week but it was saturday and sunday. Normally I'm desperately searching for someone to chill with so I can get out of the house (which I have realized requires a hell of a lot of energy, not to mention a lot of mental planning on my behalf)
So I will say it now that I think I really need to focus on myself for a while, no distractions! I plan on making my focuses SCHOOL, work, family, me. I need to forget the social world around me, discover new things on my own. If theres one thing I have learned from this past year and half its that all you really have to count on is yourself, you and you alone. Sure you have your family and they will always be there but out in the real world it's you. You take care of you. I don't know...I just know that despite the fact there are people who say they're there for me I feel like all I have is myself. Part of that may be because I'm at Pierce( which I admit I'm actually pretty glad I'm going there right now) I don't know. I'm still all jumbled up.
To free myself a bit from all this mess I did delete my facebook and my myspace, which funny enough couldn't have happend at a more perfect time cause I found this kid I met over the summer finally on there through sheer luck of being invited to the same event as him. Turns out I was spelling his last name wrong and that's why I could never find him. Whatever, I screwed that up way before too, haha, I can't believe I actually texted him using his number that I got from a friend can we say Pa-Thetic. Yes. Yes you can. Sadly I havn't felt such a rush from someone in so long but I'm forgetting it because at this point I don't see it happening, probably more on his behalf then mine. Though I would probably not be a fun person to be with right now either. It's all good though cause I deleted his number from my phone and I didn't write it down so no temptation.
Oh, I did get asked if I was okay tonite, by a close friend of mine. Only one that noticed, probably because of my turn down of boondock saints. But it was for a good couple of reasons 1)I'm out of gas and did not wanna drive up to Northridge 2) I was watching the VMA's 3) I really don't feel like being around anyone right now. It's funny I havn't even heard from my best friend, she probably thinks I deleted her off facebook, just like a few of my other friends, they probably think I'm mad at them for some obscene reason and have yet to realize I deleted it totally. That's what happens when you cry wolf way too many times, they just don't even make the effort. It's cool though because I need the time alone. I feel like a work in progress.
I have been reading alot lately, nothing really of significance, just Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter by Laurell K. Hamilton and I just now picked up Somebody to Love by Grace Slick the lead singer of Jefferson Airplane. I still have to finish Middlesex as well. I have a few musical recommendations as well, theres a lot of new/old stuff that I've discovered.
I think I'll say goodnight for real now and I'll hopefully be back tomorrow if I have the time. I wish I had wireless so I could log on whenever I like but that is a minor problem.
I leave you with the lyrics of Stay With Me by Colbie Caillat
It relates pretty well to my desire to just keep people around, it's all I really want, for people to just stay for once. I can dream though.
We simply fit together like a piece of apple pie,
I will be vanilla ice cream and I'll sing you lullabies,
I will love you in the moonlight and I'll love you in the day, always.
I love the time we spend, like a watch from an old friend,
I will help you keep your smile, promise me you'll stay a while,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can.
Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.
We always joke together after we're rolling on the floor.
I like the way you dance around when you're running for the door.
I will come to visit you even when we're old and gray, always.
I love the way you make me feel, when you're asleep I'll take the wheel,
Make sure to call when you get home, when you're driving on the road.
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can, so..
Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
Always,
So stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time
-Stay With Me by: Colbie Caillat
Call me self-centered, call me selfish, these are just realizations that I have made. But I look back at many of the decisions I have made over the past year and a half and see that everything I did was for other people. When did I last do something on my own, on my own time, not centered around my friends.....ummmm how bout last night and just today. I took my sister out for dinner last night, and I went shopping for jeans for work. Those may sound like common things that anyone does any day of the week but it was saturday and sunday. Normally I'm desperately searching for someone to chill with so I can get out of the house (which I have realized requires a hell of a lot of energy, not to mention a lot of mental planning on my behalf)
So I will say it now that I think I really need to focus on myself for a while, no distractions! I plan on making my focuses SCHOOL, work, family, me. I need to forget the social world around me, discover new things on my own. If theres one thing I have learned from this past year and half its that all you really have to count on is yourself, you and you alone. Sure you have your family and they will always be there but out in the real world it's you. You take care of you. I don't know...I just know that despite the fact there are people who say they're there for me I feel like all I have is myself. Part of that may be because I'm at Pierce( which I admit I'm actually pretty glad I'm going there right now) I don't know. I'm still all jumbled up.
To free myself a bit from all this mess I did delete my facebook and my myspace, which funny enough couldn't have happend at a more perfect time cause I found this kid I met over the summer finally on there through sheer luck of being invited to the same event as him. Turns out I was spelling his last name wrong and that's why I could never find him. Whatever, I screwed that up way before too, haha, I can't believe I actually texted him using his number that I got from a friend can we say Pa-Thetic. Yes. Yes you can. Sadly I havn't felt such a rush from someone in so long but I'm forgetting it because at this point I don't see it happening, probably more on his behalf then mine. Though I would probably not be a fun person to be with right now either. It's all good though cause I deleted his number from my phone and I didn't write it down so no temptation.
Oh, I did get asked if I was okay tonite, by a close friend of mine. Only one that noticed, probably because of my turn down of boondock saints. But it was for a good couple of reasons 1)I'm out of gas and did not wanna drive up to Northridge 2) I was watching the VMA's 3) I really don't feel like being around anyone right now. It's funny I havn't even heard from my best friend, she probably thinks I deleted her off facebook, just like a few of my other friends, they probably think I'm mad at them for some obscene reason and have yet to realize I deleted it totally. That's what happens when you cry wolf way too many times, they just don't even make the effort. It's cool though because I need the time alone. I feel like a work in progress.
I have been reading alot lately, nothing really of significance, just Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter by Laurell K. Hamilton and I just now picked up Somebody to Love by Grace Slick the lead singer of Jefferson Airplane. I still have to finish Middlesex as well. I have a few musical recommendations as well, theres a lot of new/old stuff that I've discovered.
I think I'll say goodnight for real now and I'll hopefully be back tomorrow if I have the time. I wish I had wireless so I could log on whenever I like but that is a minor problem.
I leave you with the lyrics of Stay With Me by Colbie Caillat
It relates pretty well to my desire to just keep people around, it's all I really want, for people to just stay for once. I can dream though.
We simply fit together like a piece of apple pie,
I will be vanilla ice cream and I'll sing you lullabies,
I will love you in the moonlight and I'll love you in the day, always.
I love the time we spend, like a watch from an old friend,
I will help you keep your smile, promise me you'll stay a while,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can.
Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.
We always joke together after we're rolling on the floor.
I like the way you dance around when you're running for the door.
I will come to visit you even when we're old and gray, always.
I love the way you make me feel, when you're asleep I'll take the wheel,
Make sure to call when you get home, when you're driving on the road.
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can, so..
Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
Always,
So stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, (yeah) let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time
-Stay With Me by: Colbie Caillat
9.13.2009
Coming Back Soon
So I've decided that I need to start blogging again...no one really reads this but I figure that's a good thing because it means I won't have to censor myself much. Anyway more to come, I'm gonna try to blog at least a couple times a week. I need to start remembering things and I guess venting a bit as well, seeing as how friends are far and few at the moment. So, see you later and enjoy the rest of your night. :)
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